“Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.” ~ Pablo Picasso

“Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.” ~ Stan Kelly-Bootle

Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the other one, which would immediately delete it, because it was a Viagra ad.
Dave Barry

I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss.
Dave Barry

“Computer Science: A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter.” ~ Stan Kelly-Bootle

“The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.” ~ Nathaniel Borenstein

“Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.” ~ Rick Cook

“You cannot teach beginners top-down programming, because they don’t know which end is up.” ~ Tony Hoare

“There’s an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone.” ~ Bjarne Stroustrup

“Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy.” ~ Joseph Campbell

“If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution.” ~ Robert Sewell

“A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.” ~ Douglas Adams

“Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris.” ~ Larry Wall

Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.
Dennis Miller

Why is it that drug addicts and computer aficionados are both called users?
Clifford Stoll

I spend almost as much time figuring out what’s wrong with my computer as I do actually using it.
Clifford Stoll

Computer scientists measure arrogance in nano-Dijkstras. – Alan Kay

“Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.” ~ Donald Knuth

“C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off.” ~ Bjarne Stroustrup

“If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost $100 and get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.” ~ Robert X. Cringely

“If we look at the fact, we shall find that the great inventions of the age are not, with us at least, always produced in universities.” ~ Charles Babbage

“I am not out to destroy Microsoft, that would be a completely unintended side effect.” ~ Linus Torvalds

The more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.
Dave Barry

Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.
Dave Barry

Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the customer-support hot line and be placed on hold for approximately the life-span of a caribou.
Dave Barry

” I hope the field of computer science never loses its sense of fun.” ~ Alan Perlis

Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by ‘they’, I mean ‘computers’. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)
Dave Barry

“I don’t know what the language of the year 2000 will look like, but I know it will be called Fortran.” ~ Tony Hoare

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.
Dave Barry

The other major kind of computer is the “Apple,” which I do not recommend, because it is a wuss-o-rama New-Age computer you basically just plug in and use.
Dave Barry

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
Dave Barry

“In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.” ~ Yogi Berr